The Me That is Kathryn
by Anne T.M
Summary: The aftermath of Quarra with some complications.


The Me That is Kathryn

Chakotay entered sickbay to meet with the Doctor as requested. The main room was empty. He walked to the far corner into the Doctor's office where he found him staring at his computer. The normally effusive Doctor sat silently staring at the diagram on the screen. Chakotay looked over his shoulder. He was not a scientist but he could tell that whatever had the Doctor so engrossed had something to do with genetics. "Doctor, you wanted to see me?"

The Doctor jumped at the sound of Chakotay's voice. He'd been so lost in his thoughts he hadn't heard the Commander's approach. Quickly he shut off his monitor. He started to stand but changed his mind and indicated that Chakotay take the seat opposite him. "Commander, before I tell you what I have to say I want to be clear that I have thought about this extensively and believe that this is the correct course of action under the circumstances.

"Of course, Doctor. I would expect nothing less." The Doctor was wringing his hands over and over. Chakotay had no idea what was coming but the Doctor's obvious reticence to talk told him that whatever it was, it was bad.

"After I performed a self-diagnosis of my ethical subroutines I had Seven perform a second diagnostic and she assured me that there are no malfunctions."

Chakotay was feeling uneasy. "Did you do something Doctor?"

"No, no! I have been struggling with a moral dilemma."

Chakotay relaxed a little. A moral dilemma was certainly better than an overt action. "Did you call me here to discuss this dilemma? Can I help you resolve it in some way?"

"Yes. No."

"Doctor, please can we get to the point?"

"Yes, of course." Although he was positive that his decision to talk to the Commander was correct he still felt that he was betraying his oath.

Chakotay was getting annoyed. The Doctor had the tendency to be over dramatic about certain aspects of his life and right now Chakotay wasn't in the mood for it. They'd just left Quarra. The Captain had barely regained her memories as had many members of the crew. He didn't have time to indulge the Doctor in one of his theatrical self-pitying dramas. Chakotay was ready to get up and walk out. He would give the Doctor one last chance. "Is there something wrong with you, Doctor?"

"No, it's the Captain."

Chakotay stilled. His heart stopped beating and his lungs forgot to breathe. No, it couldn't be. He'd just gotten her back. She wasn't quite her old self, but she was on her way. Just yesterday she accepted his invitation to have dinner tonight. He was determined to help her regain a sense of balance on Voyager by easing her into familiar routines. "Is she sick?"

"No."

"Is there some residual effects from the memories they implanted?"

"No, it's nothing like that."

Even though the Doctor had called him to sickbay he was still reticent to talk. Something was very wrong or the Doctor wouldn't be struggling to divulge it. Chakotay steeled himself for the devastating news. "Doctor please, tell me."

"The Captain is pregnant."

Chakotay was stunned. "How?"

The Doctor turned his monitor back on and motioned for Chakotay to come closer. "That was my question. Even if her partner did not use any contraceptives, her boosters were strong enough that it should not have mattered. So, I requested the medical records from the president and look what I found."

Chakotay scanned the screen that detailed the myriad of medical procedures they'd performed on the Captain. There was so much information, although he tried, he didn't know what he was looking for.

The Doctor pointed to a notation to focus Chakotay's attention. "There is only one reason for that combination of drugs. They are used to counteract the serum in most contraceptive injections."

Chakotay was livid. "Those bastards!"

Whereas Chakotay was angry the Doctor was confused. "Although the data is accurate it does not make sense to me." Chakotay sat back down as the Doctor continued. "They kidnap people to get workers but then they go against their personal wishes of not wanting to conceive. Surely pregnancy would adversely affect the efficiency of the plant."

"Initially yes, but a child would tie them to the planet which would tie them to their job," Chakotay looked up sharply, "and to their partner." The Doctor nodded in understanding. "When did you diagnose the Captain's condition?"

"During her initial examination after returning."

"Why didn't you tell the Captain right then?"

"I didn't think it was wise considering her mental state. I thought it was better to inform her of her condition after her memories returned so that she could make an informed decision about it."

"And about her companion?"

"That too."

Although Chakotay appreciated what the Doctor had done, he knew it might not matter. "You realize she may order us to turn around and get him."

"She might; but since you will be explaining the situation rather than me, she might not see that as the best course of action." With a nod of his head Chakotay agreed to the responsibility of telling her the news. "When will you do it?"

"We're having dinner tonight. I'll tell her then. She'll want details. How far along is she?"

"Three weeks."

"Is everything okay?"

"As far as I can tell everything seems normal."

Chakotay was concerned. "What do you mean as far as you can tell?"

"Considering the differences in their physiology I cannot be sure."

"Do you foresee any complications?"

"No. Their DNA seems to be compatible. The pregnancy should progress normally. The only variance may be the gestation period. I have no data on Jaffen's species other than his bio-scan. Their reproduction cycles may be different."

Chakotay nodded. This was going to be one hell of a conversation. "Knowing the Captain, she'll want proof. Download all of the scans and the auxiliary studies onto a PADD."

The Doctor turned to his computer and entered the commands.

"Now delete the original files."

The Doctor swung around to stare at his commander.

Before he could protest Chakotay said, "Until the Captain has made a decision regarding the situation I think it best that there be no records of it."

The Doctor begrudgingly agreed. In one short half hour, he violated doctor patient confidentiality and falsified records. Maybe his ethical subroutines were damaged after all.

Chakotay got up to leave. "Doctor, thank you for coming to me with your concerns and I know this will remain between us until the Captain comes to see you."

"Of course, Commander. If my intentions were otherwise we would never have had this conversation."

Chakotay left sick bay. He stopped by his quarters to deposit the PADD from the Doctor before taking the turbo lift to the bridge. As he moved from deck to deck he closed his eyes and tried to clear his mind. He needed to calm himself before he joined her on the bridge. Once again, the fates had dealt him a heavy blow. He cursed his bad luck. He'd been anticipating an intimate evening alone with his dear friend. Now he was dreading it. This was quickly turning into one of the worst couple of weeks of his life.

The doors of the lift opened and he saw her. She sat stoically in her chair watching the stars on the main screen. Suddenly it felt like he'd been punched in the stomach – she was pregnant with another man's child. His stomach clenched and his throat filled with bile but he plastered a smile on his face and exited onto the bridge.

"You're late, Commander," she said teasingly.

He walked around to his chair. "I apologize, Captain. I had to stop and see the Doctor."

She turned toward him in worry. "Are you alright?"

He noticed she'd reached her hand half way across the console that separated them. A small gesture filled with trepidation. Her instinct had motivated her but her clouded mind had stopped her. He closed the gap and gently squeezed her hand. "I'm fine. He just wanted to talk to me about some ship business."

She disengaged her hand from his and turned back to face the screen. "Anything I should know?"

Chakotay's stomach rolled. "No. I took care of it."

"Good."

They sat in silence for a while, her gazing at the passing stars and he pretending to read the information on his console. Finally, she leaned over and broke the silence. "I know it wasn't real but it felt like it at the time."

"And now?"

"I just don't know."

Although she was smiling there was a hint of moisture in the corner of her eyes. "Are you sorry we brought you back?"

Kathryn settled back into her chair, straightened her back and turned her eyes toward the front screen. "Not for a second."

Chakotay watched as she folded her hands and settled them across her stomach. He knew immediately that he was going to be sick. He jumped out of his chair and hurried to his office.

Kathryn found him in his bathroom bent over the commode. He was violently retching. She waited by the door until his body stopped jerking. Quietly she walked further into the room and handed him a towel. Very gently she ran her hand up and down his back. "I thought you said you weren't sick."

She backed away as he stood and moved toward the sink. "I'm not. I must have eaten something bad."

She smiled. "Well I'd say if you ate in the mess hall than odds are good you ate something bad."

He nodded in agreement and turned on the water.

While he brushed his teeth, she walked around his office. As with everything it was familiar yet new. She continued her exploration touching a few things here and there. She made her way around the room and returned to the entrance of the bathroom. He was wiping the wet washcloth across his face. "Ready?"

Just as he hung up the cloth the ship violently shook. On instinct, he reached out and grabbed her by the waist and pulled her to him. He held her tucked within his embrace until he was sure the ship was stable. Once he was convinced that it was safe he let her go and together they headed back to the bridge.

When they arrived, Kathryn called for a report. Before anyone could answer Voyager lurch again. Chakotay's hand shot out to grab the Captain but he was too late. As he tried to keep his footing he watched in horror as she flew out of his reach and slammed into the railing that separated the upper and lower levels of the bridge. In an instant, she was on the floor and Chakotay rushed to check on her as he yelled, "What the hell is going on?"

Although he didn't want to, he knew he had to leave her and assume command. He stood up and called for Tom who grabbed the med kit stored below his station and immediately started to check to Captain's vitals.

"Commander, I have detected a ship behind the third moon that orbits the outer planet of Quarra's system. I believe they are shooting at us," Tuvok reported.

Chakotay moved toward the pilot's station which was now manned by an ensign who was serving his first shift of bridge duty. Yesterday it seemed like a good idea to rotate people into new positions since they were in what they thought was an area of friendly space. He placed his hand on the back of the man's chair. "Evasive maneuvers."

The nervous pilot took a deep breath. "Aye, sir."

It was over in a minute. After the enemies' weapons had been targeted Chakotay hailed the offenders. He quickly learned that his attackers thought they were from Quarra and on the hunt for more workers to fill their plant. Once both captains were satisfied that the other had truly stood down, the ships moved on their respective ways.

As the status reports came in it was clear that the damage was minimal and the injuries minor except for the Captain who had been transported to sickbay.

Chakotay made a decision and moved toward the turbo-lift. "Tuvok, you have the bridge."

When he got to sickbay he said a silent prayer before he entered. The first thing he saw was the Doctor hovering over the Captain's bio-bed. As he moved closer she started to stir. Chakotay gave thanks that his prayers had been answered so quickly. He moved to her side and gently laid his hand on her covered shoulder and voiced his concern for her. "How is she Doctor?"

"Captain, you sustained internal injuries and a mild concussion. Everything has been repaired but the soreness will remain for approximately forty-eight hours, as will the headache. I would like you to remain here for a few hours just to be sure."

In her heart she wanted to argue but her head was pounding and she felt nauseous. She turned and looked at Chakotay who nodded his head in agreement. The Doctor leaned in and gave her an injection. "This will help dull the pain." As the Captain closed her eyes Chakotay looked at the Doctor who shook his head no.

Chakotay pulled up a chair and sat down next to the bio-bed. Despite his feeling earlier he felt a profound sense of sadness at her loss. His emotions were raw as he bore the burden for both of them.

"Hey don't you have a ship to run?"

Chakotay moved closer and smiled. "It pretty much runs itself these days."

Quietly she joked, "So the ship really doesn't need me."

"Not only does the ship need you," he bent his head close to her ear and whispered, "I need you." As she drifted off a tiny smile started to emerge.

Somewhere in the haze of her mind Kathryn knew she wanted to tell him something very important but it was just out of her reach. She slipped her hand out from beneath the sheet and tucked it into his hand and drifted off to sleep.

~~~~~

"When you go back to your quarters I want you to eat a light meal and get some rest." Chakotay took her by the elbow and led her toward the door. "And Captain-absolutely no coffee- doctor's orders."

As the doors opened the Captain stood up straight and disengaged herself from his hold. In her mind, she knew it was something she'd always done when they entered the public areas of the ship but this time it felt wrong. She felt cold and very alone and she didn't like it. Kathryn took a step closer and snaked her arm through his as they moved down the corridor. "You know sometimes I just hate that man."

Her action took him by surprised but he quickly lifted her forearm and tucked it securely against him. "At times, we all do but you know he's right."

Kathryn playfully bumped him with her hip as they walked. "I know that makes me hate him more!"

~~~~~

"You go change and I'll make you something to eat."

Kathryn returned from her bedroom and sat on the couch. "Grill cheese and tomato soup – comfort food."

Chakotay took a seat next to her. "I thought you could use a little comfort after today."

"I have the feeling that this isn't the first time I've been to see the doctor."

"We've all had our share of injuries."

Kathryn took a spoonful of soup. "But there's more to mine isn't there."

"Yes."

She took another bite of her sandwich. She was putting him off and she knew it. Eventually he would tell her and she would accept whatever it was that "the captain" had to do but she wanted to hang on to Kathryn for as long as possible. "Tell me about the ship."

"What do you want to know?"

"Anything. My memory hasn't returned completely yet so anything you tell me would be helpful."

Chakotay sat back and talked about the ship. He told her about the systems and what each department did. He told her about the people who worked in those departments and some of the interesting things they've encountered on their journey. He told her about some the special things they'd done together like their daily breakfasts or their late-night working dinners. When he finished he suggested a cup of soothing tea.

She had listened intently as he spoke and she wasn't sure she liked what she heard. "The workings of the ship seem to be coming back quickly but the people remain vague. Is that the kind of captain I am? One who cares more about the hardware than the people?"

Chakotay put his cup down and moved across the couch and took her hand. "Not at all! You have tremendous respect for your crew. You value each and every one of them and they feel the same about you. You would do anything for them just as they would for you." A tear slipped out her eye. "Kathryn what is it?'

"You talked about respect and value but did you notice you never said the word love. In fact, you never even said the word like."

"Everyone likes you."

"I'm not sure that's true Chakotay. Many people respect me and some people fear me but I think very few people like me."

"People like you and some people do love you."

"Are you one of them?" She wondered why he didn't answer immediately. Kathryn was sure there was something between them. She felt it the first time she found him in her apartment on Quarra. Even with a different face she felt like she knew him. She felt something – a spark, a connection – something. "I'm sorry that was unfair of me. It's just, it's just…" Kathryn jumped up from the couch and walked to the upper tier and stood in front of the view port.

Chakotay's heart was pounding so hard he felt the blood pumping throughout his body. Part of him screamed to tell her yes. Yes, I am one of the people who love you. It would feel so good to say the words out loud, to convince her that he was the man for her not the one she left behind on Quarra. He would be the one to hold her as she mourned the loss of her baby and maybe someday he would be the one to give her the child she always wanted. But he couldn't. She didn't need that now. She needed him to do what he'd always done, be her friend. So, he watched her make the familiar stroll to the view port and waited for her to continue.

"It's just that I feel torn between two worlds."

Chakotay got scared. "Do you want to return to Quarra?"

Kathryn shook her head. "No, no that was a poor choice of words. I feel torn between two people and they're both me. I'm the me that is the captain – strong, smart, fierce and quite frankly cold – and the me that is Kathryn – soft, fun and loving. That's the one that lived on Quarra and I feel like she didn't exist on this ship."

"Kathryn you are the captain. You are all of those things and more. You are kind, compassionate and caring. You give of yourself all the time. You're not cold."

"When I put on this mantle of captain I feel cold. I may be caring and compassionate on the outside but on the inside, I'm empty." Kathryn stood silently for a long time before she continued. "The memories of me and Jaffen are fading. I can't remember specifics but I remember the feelings. The way I felt when he looked at me. How safe I felt when he held me. How desirable I felt when he kissed me. I don't want to lose that part of myself. It's not him I miss. It's me. I don't want to lose Kathryn."

"You don't have to lose her. You just need to choose to let her live."

Kathryn fought back the tears that threaten to fall and put on a false smile. Maybe it wasn't what she thought, maybe he wasn't the one. "You're right." She turned around and headed back to the couch. She sat down in her corner at a respectable distance from him. "I believe you need to tell me something."

He'd almost forgotten. He closed his eyes and forced himself to take a deep breath.

Shit this is bad she thought. "Am I dying?" She blurted it out without thinking.

Chakotay moved across the couch and took both of her hands. "No, you're not dying." He took another breath and then told her about the pregnancy. "When you hit the rail it caused extensive internal damage. There was nothing the Doctor could do."

Kathryn was looking down and their hands. She watched as her tears hit his knuckles and rolled into their entwined fingers. "I know right now the captain would straighten her spine and say the perfect thing but all I want to do is cry."

Chakotay reached out and pulled her into his arms. He stroked her hair as she sobbed. When she felt like she had no tears left she pulled her head up and looked at him. She saw the moisture pooled in his eyes. "Is it silly to feel sad when I never even knew the baby existed?"

He kissed her forehead. "No, it's not silly."

"In my head I know this is probably for the best but in my heart, it hurts like hell."

He kissed her again. "I know." He held her close as she continued to struggle with her emotions. When she'd seemed to have found some control he said, "I thought you might want to see the information the Doctor gathered so I had him download it onto a PADD. It's on the table."

"Maybe tomorrow." She shifted a little and pushed him back until he was lying down. Then she wedged herself between him and the back of the couch. "Right now, if it's alright with you, I want to stay right here in your arms where I feel safe and secure."

"I'll always keep you safe."

"I know."

He reached out and pulled down the blanket that was hanging on the back cushion. He covered them both and held onto her for dear life. Maybe he couldn't tell her how he felt but he wanted to enjoy this closeness for as long as possible. Tomorrow the Captain might return full force but for tonight he would enjoy Kathryn.

She rubbed her face across his chest as they both started to feel the first moments of sleep descended on them. "Right thing, wrong man."

Her voice startled him. "What?"

Kathryn pushed off the drossiness; she wouldn't let it make her forget what she wanted to tell him like it did in sickbay. She leaned up and looked at him. "I said – right thing, wrong man. Right thing- a baby. Wrong man-Jaffa."

After hours of fighting himself, Chakotay finally lost the battle to control his emotions. "I'm the right man, Kathryn."

Kathryn smiled at him before she settled her head on his chest. "I know, Chakotay. I know."


End file.
